Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Sometimes life doesn’t exactly go the way you’ve planned. Sometimes the big white wedding with Prince Charming turns out to be a playful elopement in the middle of town. Sometimes the house you were going to settled down in turns into your starter home. Sometimes babies don’t come and dreams have to change. And sometimes those dreams won’t match Prince Charming’s.

It’s just life. Life is change and change happens. We can panic, cry out, dig our heals in and fight it, but change will always win. It’s the rip tide of our life. Resist and you’ll sink to the bottom and there remain; roll with it and you’ll find yourself at the surface and everything alright, after all. Consistency has not been my life’s motto, but rather it has chosen to test the limits of my ability to be proactive, calm, and logical. It has prepared me for balls from left field, sneak attacks, and every other cliche out there. So when this new change in my life came along, I was more ready for it now than I ever would have been before because everything I had experienced up to that moment of decision had eased me into this new life change: starting over.

In just under two weeks my husband and I will be transitioning into a separation where the outcome is uncertain, but the motivations and goals are the same. We each need to live out our life’s purpose and grow into the people were are meant to be. In an ideal situation, or what society would perceive as ideal, we would be able to do this side-by-side. But through deep introspection and long nights filled with conversation, and sometimes tears, we discovered that our ideal situation meant letting our paths part for a little while to see what we are capable of.

For us, that means selling the house we just remodeled, our rental unit, and much of our excess furniture. It means me relocating to Laramie to finish my degrees in Geology while he lives in Portland, Oregon and works in Vancouver. It means giving up a good job that pays well and is fully benefited. It means starting my life over independent of my husband. It means fully learning who I am as a person and who he is independent of each other. It also means having a strong shoulder to lean on when I need it, a support system that loves me unconditionally, an ally against myself when the shadows of doubt creep in. It means changes are coming.

Sometimes loving someone means silently watching their life grow into something amazing and realizing that you might not fit into that life anymore. It’s ok, because your love of self will grow and become something so amazing that you’ll feel safe in their discovery because you feel safe in your own. The love you have for someone will consistently change. It will grow or shrink, it will harden, it will expand. It will deepen overtime, if you’re lucky, and teach you things about yourself and your capacity to be selfless. My marriage has taught me much… and I wouldn’t change a thing.